Because of the New Year and because it’s already been a whole year since I started my blog, I thought I’d recap a bit and share my thoughts and personal feelings with you. I’m thinking back to January 6th 2018, which was the day I launched my blog and my Instagram account for nessacarreira. 262 Instagram pictures and 22 blog posts later, I’m reflecting on my year and want to be real and tell you how I’ve been and why I took such a long break from social media near the end of 2018.
I had some really exciting things happen this past year and I thank God for all of it. There were some amazing trips to the Grand Canyon, Portugal, France, Vegas, Vancouver, and particularly our honeymoon in Greece, which was the highlight of my year. I experienced my first Coachella weekend and left with great memories, even if my blog post made it sound worse than what it was. I watched my cousin, who is more like my sister, walk down the aisle and marry her best friend. I also watched another close friend marry the love of her life. I spent my first full year adjusting to a new life and moving to another country. I celebrated my first wedding anniversary and continued to strengthen my relationship with my husband more than ever.
Along with all the exciting events, came some difficult days just like everyone has in their life. But of course all we see on Instagram is the good and not always the bad.
I know that finding your path or “purpose” in life is something that a lot of people struggle with, so I’m not alone. This past summer was incredible; weddings, reunited with all of my family and friends, and an amazing honeymoon. It was definitely a high and I’m so blessed I got to experience it all. Coming back to reality was a little more difficult than anticipated. All my fears, insecurities, and doubts came up to the surface and played a part in my day to day life. I slowly stopped feeling motivated and inspired. I didn’t feel like myself because I felt stuck and in a rut. I want to move forward in life and grow and always challenge myself but for some reason I couldn’t, and I distanced myself from people and took a break from social media.
There are so many areas in my life for which I’m thankful. In my personal life with my family, my friends, and at home with my husband. It means so much to me to surround myself with people who will love you unconditionally. Yes living far away from family and friends is hard but I’m slowly adjusting to it. What helps is knowing I have reunions with family and weddings in Portugal every year.
I’ve always felt like I wanted to do more and that I was meant for something greater. That God had a plan for me but I just haven’t found it yet.
Growing up in North America, there’s always that competitiveness to be the best even if it’s just with yourself. I’m tired of beating myself up over not knowing the answers right away. This year I want to be kinder to myself. Somewhere along the way, I think I got a little caught up in the idea of who everyone wanted me to be and felt this unnecessary pressure. The idea of just being me sounded so far out of reach. It sounds like an easy thing to do but in this day and age and with my generation, it’s all about reaching for the stars and finding your passion! More added pressure.
I feel like I always knew what I wanted to do and I’d go after it and follow my heart with
everything I did. But for the first time in my life I don’t have the desire to do things that don’t have value or quality in them. It’s really easy to get caught up in everyone’s ideas of what they want for you. They might just be trying to help and giving ideas might be the only way they know how, so you hear them but it can still have an effect on you. When in reality, the only person you need to really listen to is yourself and what you want. I’ll listen to them but at the end of the day, I’ll decide what it is that I want. Even though I don’t know it yet, I want to be the one to figure it out.
The thing holding me back right now is me. I am my worst critic and can sometimes be hard on myself. I don’t give myself enough grace in the areas I should, and I don’t let myself stop and be thankful for my day. That’s not how I want to operate anymore. I want to be present. I want time in my day to meditate and pray on all the great things in my life. I want to be off my phone more and enjoy more of the small things. I want to tune into God’s voice instead of my own voice. I’m learning to let go and let God.
I’m changing and change is great. But when you allow the outside world to alter you in a way that you know is changing you into something that’s not true to who you are, you know you’re no longer on the right path. Sometimes you have to take a step back and take care of you, and I guess that’s where I am right now.
This year I want to share more of this side of me. Maybe there’s someone out there who can relate. Or maybe it’s just for my sanity and writing things out makes me feel better. But whatever the reason may be, I need this platform to mean more to me than it did this past year. I need people to know that I started this to engage and interact with all of you. Whatever the reason is for you to have stuck around on my journey, I am grateful you’re here and I look forward to connect more with you and talk about LIFE. All of it. The successes, blessings, and all the messy bits.
This is definitely a lengthy one but I’m glad you stuck around until the end. Thank you for clicking on this blog post and for taking the time to read through. If any of you are going through something similar please don’t hesitate to reach out. I want to be someone you can talk to even if we don’t know each other personally. I feel like Instagram, and social media in general, has this powerful way of connecting strangers and turning them into digital cheerleaders.
“Let go and let God”. Have a fabulous year everyone. Let’s make 2019 one to remember.